All alone...just the two of us

Maybe it's because I have a lot of free time on my hands...or maybe it's just the overload of hormones...BUT I really miss the father of my baby.

I will be the first one to tell you how much of a loser he is. What a horrible person he has been to me, and how much he used me over the course of our 'relationship'.

But....

I will also be the first to say how much I miss him. I can't explain the hold he had/has over me. He has this charisma about him. He's a smooth talker and he totally pulls it off. Time after time, I have looked at his face and just found myself lost in him. 

(So cheesy, I can't hear myself think without crackers)

I remember this one time, up at the bar...we were standing outside talking to some people and I was just staring at him, smiling, listening to him talk and waiting for him to simply look at me. His neighbor stopped us and said, "I would give anything to have someone look at me, the way you look at him". It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me because I realized that my feelings for him were showing through my smile. Feelings that were so genuine, it hurt.

Part of me is so scared to have his baby. What am I going to do with this permanent reminder of him? I know that I will love this baby unconditionally. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I get all choked up just thinking about it. 

I don't regret meeting him, or falling for him, or continuing to see him even though I knew better.

I do regret that he is no longer in my life. I know it was impossible to think that we could be 'just friends', but I so looked forward to hearing from him everyday. It's been a little over 2 months since I've spoken to him and everyday, it's a constant struggle to keep from sending him a text. I'm just not ready, I'm not ready to hear what he has to say. Plus, I keep hoping that he'll reach out to me first. I know it will never happen, because he's content just pretending that I never existed. I wish I could feel the same way about him.