All alone...just the two of us

Maybe it's because I have a lot of free time on my hands...or maybe it's just the overload of hormones...BUT I really miss the father of my baby.

I will be the first one to tell you how much of a loser he is. What a horrible person he has been to me, and how much he used me over the course of our 'relationship'.

But....

I will also be the first to say how much I miss him. I can't explain the hold he had/has over me. He has this charisma about him. He's a smooth talker and he totally pulls it off. Time after time, I have looked at his face and just found myself lost in him. 

(So cheesy, I can't hear myself think without crackers)

I remember this one time, up at the bar...we were standing outside talking to some people and I was just staring at him, smiling, listening to him talk and waiting for him to simply look at me. His neighbor stopped us and said, "I would give anything to have someone look at me, the way you look at him". It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me because I realized that my feelings for him were showing through my smile. Feelings that were so genuine, it hurt.

Part of me is so scared to have his baby. What am I going to do with this permanent reminder of him? I know that I will love this baby unconditionally. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I get all choked up just thinking about it. 

I don't regret meeting him, or falling for him, or continuing to see him even though I knew better.

I do regret that he is no longer in my life. I know it was impossible to think that we could be 'just friends', but I so looked forward to hearing from him everyday. It's been a little over 2 months since I've spoken to him and everyday, it's a constant struggle to keep from sending him a text. I'm just not ready, I'm not ready to hear what he has to say. Plus, I keep hoping that he'll reach out to me first. I know it will never happen, because he's content just pretending that I never existed. I wish I could feel the same way about him.

When it rains, it pours!

For a while now, I have felt very secure in my financial area of life. I mean, I have bills, I pay them, it all works out. This has not always been the case...I suck at managing my finances! Big time! I've gotten in so much trouble over the past few years, living paycheck to paycheck, etc.

Today was a huge wake up call! A bill I had forgotten about went to collections and they ended up suing me. FML!! I had no idea what to do! I just paid off all my court costs for my DUI, and I am not ready to pay my lawyer another $1,000+ 

So, I called them, actually they were really nice and we worked it all out. I just have to pay a little bit more and they'll drop the lawsuit. WHEW!!

Relief...until I looked at the rest of my bills...and then at my bank account...Not working out to well. I have enough to pay that bill, but that will leave me with nothing until the end of the month. Even then, my next paycheck is only going to be like $40, because they only scheduled me 2 shifts this pay period.

I'm in the process of looking for another job. I need to find something that I can switch to full time come December when I'm finished with school.

I DO NOT need to be stressed out at this point in my life. Pregnancy is hard enough without adding extra stress.

So frustrating...I hate being an adult. 

Week 10

Here is a photo that I took from my phone last night, because for a moment, I thought I was actually beginning to 'show'! But now that I look at it closer, I feel like that's what I've looked like for the past few months. Round.

The other day, I must have seriously been bloated or something, because I definitely had a

'pooch'. It was crazy...but it's gone now.

*sorry for the dirty mirror shot too*

I've been trying NOT to buy stuff quite yet, mainly because I don't want to by boy stuff and have a girl, or vice versa. Although, I have collected quite the stash of baby clothes over the past few years, also inheriting stuff from my sister.

I did however breakdown and buy some stuff on Etsy.com, which is my FAVORITE WEBSITE EVER! *Note, some of these, I've bought as far back as a year ago and as recent as in I just got them in the mail today. ;-)

I am an avid follower of Dooce.com and I saw that she got this organic teething ring, only in the shape of a hippo, and I had to find one. I love hippos! And I thought it was a creative idea.

I found these car seat strap covers made from one of my favorite DwellStudio prints. So, naturally, had to have it. And it's reversible. 

Then, there is this other blanket. Girly, but I love zebra print with hot pink. Had to have it. 

Another AMAZING blanket, again, it's girly, but I die for the fabric. So retro!

Finally, a collection of Lemon Alexander Henry Fabrics: I have a blanket, a bib, and a burp cloth. I hate real lemons, but I love this fabric. Go figure!

Week 9

Overall, I haven't had any morning sickness, which is a shocker! Maybe my body is taking it easy on my esophagus, since it knows how fragile it is. The only thing that I seem to have issues with is taking my pills in the am. I gag constantly! Just the thought of taking them makes me want to gag. Horrible!
Other than that, no complaints.

I have my next Dr's appt. on November 2nd. Then my next ultrasound should be at 20 weeks. I think...

Hard to believe I still have to wait 10 weeks to find out the sex of the baby. Before, when I thought about it, I told myself that I would wait and let it be a surprise. But, now that it's actually happening, I can't wait. I want to know, and I want to plan, and buy stuff. I'm already going through the 'nesting' stage. I want the nursery set up right now, I want things to be organized and ready to go when May comes.
Since I am living with my parents, we're still trying to figure out where everyone is going to go. Right now, my room is in the basement. Which is fine, for me. Not for a newborn baby. It's musty, damp and cold. We're hoping that my brother will be placed into another group home, then freeing up my old bedroom, upstairs.

I also need to start documenting myself more. I'm not taking weekly pictures, or writing down a lot of things in my little journal. I'll totally regret that later on when I can't remember anything.
I'll start working on that...Hope to have some pictures posted soon.

And Baby makes 2

I'm officially announcing that I am expecting a baby in May!!!

Here is the first photo of my little 'gummy bear' (as the ultrasound tech called it). :-)

My due date is May 14th, 2010!

SF Dreaming!

I just booked my ticket for San Francisco and I'm so excited!!

San Francisco is where my heart is. I love that damn city so much. One of my biggest regrets in life, is moving back to Nebraska from there. Not that I regret having a close relationship with my niece and nephew, because I wouldn't trade that for the world...but I do regret giving up so soon. I should have stuck it out and just gave it a shot. 

I'm planning on moving back, once I'm finished with school...IF I ever finish with school, that is. 

Someday...

For now, I will visit as often as I can. Which leads me to May 9th-16th...Me, San Francisco, for a whole week. I can barely hold my shit together. ;-)

Just a quick note

I am so sick of people being negative!! 

Why do you have to rain on my parade??

Deep down, I think I've always known what I wanted to do with my life (career-wise) but I pushed it aside as 'Childish' and 'Foolish' because that's what every one told me.

I wanted to move to London after high school, my parents told me to stop dreaming.

(I don't want to live in a world where people are being told to stop dreaming)

Every one keeps telling me to get a degree and get a job that pays well. Just find a career and get to work!

I am done. I'm done trying to please every body else. I'm going to do what I want to do and focus on what makes me happy. 

That includes moving back out to San Francisco. I've already talked to some family out there, and I'm making a plan. 

I need to buckle down here at UNO and figure out what kind of degree I want. I'm working on a plan.

I'm going to be very selfish for a little while. Right now it's going to have to be all about me (for the most part). I need to get everything sorted out and start living my life.

Thanks!